Dear Friend,

Everyone around mi has changed. Sumtimes i feel so small standing beside them. They seem veri distant from me. I feel the aura of awkwardness. I feel veri fake.

Juz when i wan to be close, other things seem to intercept us. Mayb this is wat i wan to do. Drifting away from u so tt u can be wif her. Y do i feel a wall separating us all the time?

Y do sum pple can be so mean wif their words? Dun they noe tt even if they dun mean wat they say, those words actually still carry weight? I'm juz disappointed. Since they dun mince their words, mayb i shld return them the favour too.

I tink my life is going downhill agn. As in, it's not as exciting. Well, at least i feel tt my health has improved, my appetite is coming back and my routine life is back on track. Isnt tt good, u may say?

I'm juz plain weird. Haha. Tt's according to my Sir -_-"

Hmm. I shall list out the things i wan to do soon! ((:

1). Bowling ( This friday! YIPPEE = )
2). Eat PastaMania Spicy Chicken!!! Yum Yum
3). Climbing the Pyramid @ West Coast Park
4). Jogging / running / gym-ing? Hmmmmm
5). Pool cum arcade mania. HAHA
6). MOVIES. It's been so long since i last watched one. Sobsob >.<
7). Clean the hse? Ok. I will do tis during the coming weekend :D

Woots. Now i feel much much more happier aft i wrote down wat i wan to do. Lol. Seems excited bout tis fri too. Though ystd he rmbed it, i duno if he will really come. Who knows? He might hav forgotten all bout it when fri comes rite? I wan to win for our team & him!!!!!! HAHA.

Wish mi all the best guys! (= (= (=

NP students PLEASE support! (( :

Presenting to u... Famous Six + 1 & the organiser of Green Fusion Camp 06 JOYCE =D (second person in the middle row). Hehe, it looked as though she's kissing Aik Nen. Juz kidding!

One of my fav pic tt i put together painstakingly. But it's worth it cos it turned out great! :)

I miss holding her to slp in my hand. I will always love & miss my beloved hamster, Choki =(

Haha. Rmb tis? I was 'busy' drawing' when i shld be helping u to clean ur clubhse! =X

Something tt i created late one nite a long time ago when i cant get to slp

On my birthday. Glad tt all the gals turned up including u JOYCE =)

Nurul

We seriously need to talk. I need to clear some mists with u. I need to register to be your friend again. Give me 1 week time, yeah?

Love
Joyce

Yana..

These days, I just simply can't help it by 'sighing' most of the times. I'm just as tired as a dead creature. This is the path that I have chosen. Neither will I give up nor complain much. However so, my mind is in total chaos, right now.

I appreciate 'nice' people like you. All along, I have not been real good in my words. Even though I look ordinary and harmless, yet, I can b ethe most venomous demon hiding in my shell. You guys can never figure me out, either. I don't wish to lie. Honestly, I'm happy that we all have been through so many countless storms and dark patches of life, together. It's worth.

Thank you very much.

But.. I do admit that you still don't really understand me. Sometimes, I feel hatred overcoming me. Maybe I'm just childish as before. I don't understand why you have to do things which you don't really have to do. This is just my personal opinion. You don't have to mind too much. Just - be yourself. That's more important.

Have I lead a fruitful life?

Is 18 years good enough for me?

I really don't know, Yana. Not to even mention you, I just want to cool off, alone. I don't need pity and concern. I merely ask for a minute of silence. That's equivalent to 60 seconds. That's long and short. It boils down to how you look at things. I have perspective views from the others. You make your own choices.. Mark that in your mind.

It's has been 5 years I suppose. Yet, I can't shake those memories away. I kept thinking of him all day all night. I cried myself to sleep at night. I can't behave myself properly. I'm just so scared. Those nightmares. Could it be the past that's haunting me? I really don't know. All I know is.. I'm different from the crowds. I'm just indifferent from the rest. You know why I don't really want to mix with the girls, for instance?

Honestly, I think they are just yet another bunch of spoilt brats. They know nothing except playing and having fun all day long. They have no worries. For me, it's a totally different case. Since young, I'm considered a much more 'sotong' and 'naive' and 'absent-minded' than other people. Even so, I'm quite sensible. I have to take good care of my family. I have too many underlying problems. I can see disasters looming nearer. I can't have fun all the time. I need money. I need certificates. I need to oversee everything. If not, this family will fall. It fell tons of times in the past. There are just so much that I didn't tell you.

All I want to say..

Different backgrounds can make one different from the others.

I have no idea who's going to read this entry. But.. Let me tell you this. 'Don't be deceived by appearances'.'

I hate them.

I hate the words and screams and clickings.

Shut up.

No comments please.

Sincerely,
Xue

It's nearing the end of another year again huh?

National Day is juz 3 days away.

Exams are approaching too =X

Joyce has been veri busy ever since she joined ERS.

She & her president hav been egging mi to join them.

But yet each & every time i decline their kind act of gesture.

N i will speak the same reason times & again.

" I am afraid of commitments. To be tied down. "

Tell mi. Wat sort of answer is tt?

Words of a coward?

Or words of sumone who is afraid to face up to pressure prior to the responsibility given?

I dowan to take up sumting which i am not confident of achieving.

I tink i hav a warped mindset.

To mi, doing the possible is better than striving to do the impossible.

At least, there will be less risks for disappointment.

But one thing is for sure.

I've given my word.

I will always be here if u need anything, Joyce.

Be it a helper for ur events or merely a participant =) =)


Love,
Yana

Dear Yana,

I had always wanted to tell you this. But.. I just don't really know how should I put it into words. All I want to say is, "Don't trust me too much. I might not be a good person. Do mark my words.".

All along, I have been quite doubtful of life. The things which propelled us to today. The people we meet in my life. The sweet memories engraved inside our hearts. Many times, all these don't last. Do they?

Recently, I have been down. Somehow, I'm like defeated deep right. I feel like I'm in deep shits now. I have no moods for anything. I'm not a failure. But.. The feeling isn't quite right. Something's amiss. And.. I have absoultely no idea what that was or those were. I'm just feeling terribly dizzy. I ahve got no more additional strength to think anymore.

Everyday, I must drag myself to school. In school, I must smile at people whom I don't think I will ever bothered to, in the first. I must work in hand with people I don't find nice. I must pretend to be as nice as possible. One word - FAKER.

I'm just a poser. Isn't me?

These stifling atmospheres are stopping me from growing. I feel dead tired. Sometimes, I don't even want to move at all. All I want is to close my eyes and be inside my dreamlands. At least, I'm happier there. I feel stressed and un-natural in front of the girls. Seriously, I shouldn't think like this. Nevertheless, Í just can't help it but thinking so. I miss my old friends a lot. Really.

Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep at night. 'Cos I realised everything's changing. Nothing's the same anymore. Even my old friends, too. They are just indifferent. The emotions are really not like before. There are gaps everywhere. I don't feel secured at all. I'm drowning. Yet, nobody will save me. Everybody's selfish in their own ways. That's when all personal crisis looms in.

I feel vindicated. This is all about justice. I know you will surely ask me to relax. But, I can't take it anymore longer. How do we actually stop other people from using us? How can we ever find a genuine friendship? How? How can we baulk people at the work? How can we not be mislead in the crowd, again? How do we stop ourselves from being led blindly by the nose?

To me, I feel strongly all these while. For you, I'm not too sure. Honestly, I think you will disagree with me. Maybe you might want to stand togther with the rest? I don't mind, actually. I'm contented enough to have you by my side all these year. It's has been 1 year plus since I know you. In short, more than 12 months. That's quite long.

Once more, one word - Thank you.

Comprehension dawned on me. If you are going to leave, I'm not to stop you. Still, thanks lots. You have been my moral supporter. You have done a great job, not just as a friend. You accepted me though I'm very ninny. Regardless, I'm adamant. It's like.. Amid the pandemomium as the siege comes to an end.

I always felt your eyes upon me. Your gestures and kindness touched me greatly. Perhaps I seem too exaggerant over here. But.. You know I know can already. Nothing much can express my thoughts. A listening ear does wonders.

Like I say, you are a excellent dependant for me in school. In addition, for my CCA, too. But, you are a gem friend. I don't really need you to understand or be very close to me. Seriously, I hope I'm like a watch which is a modern icons, transcending its usefulness. That's all. Really.

I'm just tired of the seeing the same old people daily. Sometimes, I can't even stand myself. I have those people act as if they are always high up in their positions. I just loathes the everything of them. As a result, they have gained a 'reputation' in my dictionary. I know hatred is a sensitive word. But..

I rather remain in a silent world than face them. Honestly, my personality don't click with the rest. That's why I can't blend in. I have tried giving ways and joined them for as much as possible. Yet, I still feel the distance. It's like the things they like and do, I don't.

For instance, I like to plant trees and talk to them. Whereas, the rest will surely give it a miss and go chalet. I love to go to an old folks' home and help out and observe the future of mine. Unlikely, they will be like me. I like to read things they don't even hear before. I go for auntie things and the rest are all so trendy. I prefer to be simple. The rest choose to be indifferent. I'm an extreme introvert. The rest like to be take photos and are so sociable.

Maybe I dwelled on too much. It's time for me to move on. I will continue my life as before. But, I'm going to lead my life, instead. All the best to you.

No matter what, please choose a route that you think you will be happy in your life. Do things for the reasons you want. Do not follow without acknowledgement.

Love,
Xue.

We pondered together today. What is the real purpose in coming to school? Is it merely to spend time & waste money? Why is it that some people are so unfocused & keep idling when they know they should be doing something meaningful or at least try to change for the better?

I think i'm growing up now. Like finally. I'm thinking more and more about my future; about how i want my future to be like. Never have high hopes lest you get disappointed.

I've learnt a veri bitter lesson. It's good to care for others but dont care too much at the expense of yourself. As the famous saying goes 'Never expect anything in return'. Does appreciation, grattitude, acknowledgement count?

Gosh. I've been contradicting myself recent weeks. And my mood. Is practically flactuating =/ Why do i always find faults wif other people? I know that i am judging too much. I'm minding too many matters. Down to the nitty gritty details.

Basically i'm ranting here. As usual. Lol. Today's IMGT test was fine. Manageable. Haha. Cant stop laughing when i'm being reminded tt we both dislike to hear 'their' voices. And through voices alone, one can actually gauge how the person's characters are.

Ya. Ya. You might tell me that nobody is perfect, etc. But what the heck man? I no longer want to be the girl who is always being taken advantage of by my peers. Damn. I juz need a new environment. Put me in a Business classroom or something. Let me experience knowing new people. New teacher. New everything.

Ok. I should feel blessed instead. Ranting session over.

-peace out-

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